I know what it’s like to struggle with constant pain, changes in your body, chronic illness and feeling like you’ve lost yourself. 

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Growing up, being an athlete was a large part of how I understood myself. Martial arts, volleyball, basketball, mountain biking, snowboarding, strength training - I loved being in a team setting, achieving goals and challenging myself to grow. I never anticipated the mental and emotional impact an injury would have on me. 

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In 2013, a snowboarding injury left me with a torn rotator cuff, injured sternum and coccyx. I had been heavily focused on training and physical fitness at this time, and the setback was devastating.  At first I thought it would be like every other injury, and that I would bounce back and be back to my training schedule in no time. 

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Except this time, I didn’t bounce back and healing was not quick. 

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Years of sports injuries had started to take its toll. Just like before, I did all the things you’re supposed to do to heal, but my body just didn’t want to cooperate. I kept having setbacks and new injuries and I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I would start to feel better, try and push myself, only for a new injury or complication to come up. I felt constantly defeated. I felt angry, frustrated and disconnected from my body. I blamed myself for what was happening.

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As I navigated constant injuries, life didn’t stop. 

 

It actually got worse. After a lot of back and forth between specialists and in the medical system, I was diagnosed with a chronic condition. Three, in fact. 

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Pressures at work, illness, relationship issues, and life challenges seemed to keep adding up. Physical activity was one area that always gave me a sense of purpose and accomplishment, yet now it was a source of frustration and disappointment. I felt like a failure.

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I would wake up feeling like I was in a deep hole and I remember thinking, maybe happiness wasn’t meant for me anymore. 

 

I started waking up each day feeling like my entire life had crumbled beneath me. 

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I was depressed, anxious, lost, and felt like a failure. My self-esteem and self-confidence plummeted  Have you ever felt like that? I felt guilty for struggling. I felt like no one understood. 

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One day, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person I saw staring back at me. 

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I knew I couldn’t go on like this anymore and I knew I couldn’t do it alone.  

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If I couldn't get my old life back, I had to find a way to love the new life I had.

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I had to let go of getting my old life “back” and instead focus on building a new future.

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I realized that I had the privilege of healing in my own way. I threw myself into physical rehabilitation.  I leaned into my amazing support team around me - my doctors, my registered dietitian, my physical therapist, and my coaches/trainers. Although I was able to make some amazing and important gains, some days, I just felt so overwhelmingly sad.

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It became clear to me that something was missing. I kept pushing myself to outrun the real problem - I didn’t want to sit with the pain this had caused in my life. I didn't want to face all the grief and loss. I didn't want to accept that I had changed. As I avoided my trauma, thoughts and emotions, it was harder and harder for my body to heal. 

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It turns out there isn’t one path to healing because life changing illness and injuries are actually quite complex. I had to take a different approach for my physical body than I did for my mental and emotional wellness, but both were equally important.

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In order to make real change I had to take a long look at myself and what brought me to this place.

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So I found a counsellor, and started therapy. Nothing else had worked, so what did I have to lose? 

 

I pushed myself to sit with discomfort, to process my pain, to acknowledge my trauma and start building new healthy habits. I realized that caring of my physical and mental health involved change and action.  

 

It was a slow journey, unpacking the grief and loss I experienced, as well as the unhealed wounds and pain points from the past that existed before any injury. What I found was a deeper and profound, love, acceptance and relationship with myself that allowed me to stop feeling stuck and move forward. To shift gears, and start living life according to my values. I started setting goals in my career, I explored new hobbies and interests, and I started to embrace movement and activity that was sustainable for me. I created a new life and a new routine, and slowly, I started to feel hopeful and fulfilled again.

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The journey has not been easy, therapy helped me move forward. 

 

Therapy helped me adjust to a new normal, to forgive and accept myself, and show myself compassion and kindness. Therapy helped me learn to challenge and change negative thoughts that were holding me back and keeping me stuck. I found new ways to integrate fitness and health into my life and I learned how to let go, and live life in the present. Life isn’t perfect, and for once, I could accept that and see the humanity in that. I found richness in living a life that was aligned with my values, even if my life didn't look like it used too. 

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Looking back, I am so glad I sought help and was able to find healing and recovery, in my mind, body and heart.

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I wish I didn’t have to go through the pain and struggles that came with it, but I am now more empathetic, compassionate and I am better able to support clients. I wish I could say my body healed in the way I wanted, I wish I could say that I didn’t end up with new health challenges over the years. That is not the case. What I can say, is that I was able to heal emotionally from this experience, and walk away with the skills and techniques that give me quality of life. I am now much more adaptable and resilient during the challenging times, and have the space to experience joy and happiness again. I trust myself to navigate whatever challenges come. I have the space to dream, take risks and set and achieve goals.  I have space to live and thrive and give myself permission to let good things come to me.

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Your life can be more than just survival.

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If you are ready to move forward and find healing and recovery after injury, illness or chronic health issues, I can help.